Everyone that has followed our blog for awhile knows that I (Ash B) have two healthy, happy, crazy high maintenance kids. I love them to death and thank God for them every. single. day. Our first, Layla, is and was a breeze. She’s smart, independent and hilarious. Jack, our “second” is a wild man that loves to cuddle and sing. He is the bags under my eyes and the fullness of my heart all wrapped in one. He’s awesome. They are both SO awesome.
But I lost a pregnancy in between our kids. Naturally I still wonder what that baby would have been like. Would they be like their big sister? Would we have had another girl or a boy? That baby would have been 3 years old in August.
I am 100% positive that child would have been our last and, because of this, we would have never met Jack. As sad as loosing that pregnancy was, the water in my eyes as I write this “update” are for HIM. Although my heart still feels some pain of loosing a baby, we are SO very blessed by Jack.
It’s overwhelming to think about it and I might sound like a complete lunatic, but I try to see that loss as a blessing. For whatever reason we were not ready for that baby. I mention below that I would never look a pregnancy the same way. Now almost 3 years later I can’t even look at my healthy son the same way- I might not have been given him, had I not had something else to loose.
I hope another Mom can find encouragement with this post. I’ll apologize in advance that it just kind of ends…but I didn’t know what else to say at the time. Now I can say to anyone that has experienced a miscarriage- you are not alone. This is my story and I hope your story turns out to be similar…wild man and all.
I had so many reassuring comments and messages sent to me after my miscarriage post. I am so thankful for the support of everyone and for the stories some of you have chosen to share.
I know there are tons of women out there that have been through a miscarriage. Some lucky ones have been able to go on and have other pregnancies and healthy babies. I was so happy to share my pregnancy announcement a few weeks ago and consider myself one of those blessed ones.
I mentioned in my miscarriage post that I would never look at a pregnancy in the same way that I did before I lost one. I knew if I got pregnant again that it would be different, but I didn’t really know what to expect.
This pregnancy HAS
been so different from the last two. Not necessarily physically…I’ve
been as tired and nauseous as with my other pregnancies (although my
stretch marks are stretching, so that’s new). But mentally I’ve
been though a ton of emotions. Happy, sad, worried, nervous,
anxious…but one that I wasn’t expecting- denial.
think I’m still in denial. We’ve seen the baby, we talk about the baby
to our daughter now that I’m farther along, we are making plans and
getting things done to prepare…but this has been a somewhat out of
body experience (except when I’ve puked…that felt pretty real). I’m
still kind of waiting for it to hit me, for the head over heels
excitement to kick in.
guess that’s just how it goes when you’ve lost a pregnancy. I don’t
think I’ll be totally convinced until I’ve heard that first cry and see
my chubby cheeked child that this is happening. Although maybe in the
coming months the kicks from the inside will knock some sense into me.